Cut the Shit

My Biggest Fault

Please note, first of all, that I’ve been posting much more than usual. I told you I’d come back in full force and well…well!

You know how when you go for a job interview, they almost always ask “What’s you’re biggest fault?” Everyone has their own answer to this question, some actually revealing a negative and some using their fault as a total positive. When I answer the question, I always say “I’m a perfectionist.” Sure, most of us say this, no? Cuz it makes you look good. But if it’s a completely honest statement, you understand how that could be a definite fault.

My biggest weakness is that I really am a perfectionist. Everything I do, I try to do to the fullest; whether that’s job responsibilities or aspects of my relationship or even friendships that I make on a daily basis. I am completely caught between trying to be perfect for everyone else, but also struggling to accept who I am and allowing my lesser qualities to be part of what makes me, me.

My close friends know my insecurities and my weaknesses, but even then I find it incredibly difficult to disappoint them in any way; or to drop the ball whenever it’s passed to me. Yet, considering that I’m a big mouth, that tends to speak before I think (hence speaking directly from the heart), I do run into many situations when I hurt people’s feelings by what I’ve allowed to come out of my mouth.

This would be fine and good if (considering my need for perfection), I could take criticism. But I really can’t. I’ve worked very hard on that over the years (yes? Kelly and Rita?), but although I’m no longer lashing out at the bearer of said criticism, I still can’t help but think about my transgression all day, every day. It’s a nagging voice in my head that says “Everything is going well and feeling great, but don’t forget how you hurt so and so’s feelings). It’s an ugly way to live.

I wish there was a pill you could take to make that voice shut the fuck up.

I’m way too sensitive. I care way too much about what other people think. In one way, everyone in my life seems pretty happy with the friendship I’ve provided them. In another way, I’m so afraid to truly be me that I censor myself and end up feeling misunderstood a lot of the time. And for someone that speaks more than they breathe, this can create an intensely defeated feeling. And cause low self-worth.

How important is identity in relation to treating people like gold? Do you be yourself regardless of the consequences? And then if someone critiques what you represent, do you stand up for yourself to the point where that person may change their opinion of you?

I want to be the fun guy. I want to be the guy who is a great listener. I want to be the guy who can keep a secret and provide the ultimate shoulder to cry on. I want people to focus on my sense of humor and huge heart. I want I want I want…I can’t figure out how to just…be.

But I also want to be the selfish guy. The guy that wants things a certain way. The guy that cares mostly about his own well-being rather than that of everyone else. The guy that is whole, in and out.

It’s a conundrum that I face and have yet to find the answer to. Most would say it’s a need for balance. And that is probably the answer. But today it really feels one way or the other.

And it kind of makes me sad.